Dearest Dr. JASI with love.

“Each patient carries his own doctor inside him.” 

― Norman Cousins, Anatomy Of An Illness

And I said: I was not even actually his patient but  I carried him inside me whole heartedly by the time I left the hospital.

I miss seeing you performing the surgery Dr. JASI </3

PS: by the way this song goes for you. :">

“I guessed that he was one of those ambitious young physicians who more and more fill the profession, opportunists with a fashionable hoodlum image, openly hostile to their patients. My brief stay at the hospital had already convinced me that the medical profession was an open door to anyone nursing a grudge against the human race.” 

― J.G. Ballard, Crash

Untitled...

So here we go again. I over lost myself whenever youre going to bring up that topic. Its not that I dont wanna talk about it, its just that I want to avoid that convesrsation as much as possible because I cant do anything about it for now. But just for now, you know. The truth is it pains me to know that you're hurting, a triple shot. How can I be so proud of you? Of course I am. But Im afriad to be questioned. I would love to came out, hold your hands in the public, kiss you until everyone started staring to us. I wanted us to become the usual Im sorry because you chose me. I'm sorry because I cant give the life you always wanted. I dont...I mean I really dont drink, I dont even know how to smoke, Im shy with your friends, I cant even go out and hang out with you with your friends.Whats the matter with you huh? Why'd you still chose to be in a knot with me? Do you like it? Do you like living in a shoe box with me? Always hiding? Pretending? Whats wrong with you??? You know what?  I would love to let you go, meet someone, like someone, love someone, have a best relationship. But its as if, I'm cursing you while wishing you luck. I'm so selfish.

You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found.

So, I failed again. I failed to keep this relationship for another "this time around". You know its not easy. Its hard for me to be with you today, tomorrow and for the following days but, sometime soon I'll make it up to you and I mean it.  Just let me finish this one. I'm really jealous. I'm jealous of everything, of anything, with anyone who get to see and talk to you everyday. But I guess you didn't care how I live here. I wish you knew everything about me, about every little things which is happening to me. I wish you know how bad it is to be here so far away from you and I cant do a thing to be there with you. I really don't know where were going. I don't know when will I see you again. I don't know whether we will be together forever. I need you you to do something for me, and that is to...

I hate myself for the love i cant show and convinced myself that i will never deserve.

Explaining how I feel about you now is explaining what water tastes like. Sometimes I love you, sometimes I miss you but, most of the time I hate you. I hate you for not being here by my side when I needed you most and the worst part is that I still think of you more than I probably should. I mean my birth day passed, above all you're one of the closest person I would love to greet me and remind me that I should be happy on that day because another year have passed and they have been with me and its another precious year that they will be with me but there was no you. No calls. No texts. Nothing. But I'm still here thinking about you like crazy. But I just think that way "If you really cared about me, you wouldn't have left. Not the first time, not the second time, not ever. And I'm starting to hate you again for always leaving me when it all gets better with you. Why'd you have to be like that?