My Dearest Angelo...

Honestly I don’t know how to speak the words I have to let go now. All I know is that it’s all great for a while. I can see all the butterflies crystal clear and the love you bestowed upon me is definitely for real until they finally came to ruin us. Yes, fleeing away from what injures you in such veracity is precisely not an answer at all. At some point you really have to stop running and turn around and face whoever wants you dead instead. It’s like how can you explain something when you don’t even understand it yourself? Like having the words in your mouth that you cannot utter that as if your tongue tied and nobody cares about what you are saying. And now it’s just me alone who keeps on missing those things. Those things that made me smile, special, and loved, those pointless cute moments that made me love you. Every detail of all the things we had. And you, without any premonition, without any single word, without saying goodbye, you walked out of my life and left me with nothing. We’ve gone a little too far and I just can’t figured out the plot why all of a sudden we had to go back being strangers again. I couldn’t believe that this is going to be as fast as it is. I just don’t get it. I absolutely don’t get it! Why is it that when you ran away there are still people who keeps on chasing you and haunting you just to make you feel suffer and in return enjoyment for them when in fact you already suffered the moment you started running away from them? Why? Why is it that whenever I’m about to get rid of you then there you are again. For what?  To make me believe that you want me as well as you like me? You know what? This sort of set up is so mystifying. It turned out to ruin everything I’d started. But I must admit the fact that I’d never lose hope with the idea of anytime of the day you will feel like thinking of me then missing me and eventually wanting me and after that you’re gonna ask me to go out and…you know what it is. That’s all and that’s it right? That’s what I am to you. You only think of me when your bum, when you’re stressed out, when you’re not busy, when you wanna have fun, when you feel like to be sinner, when you have nothing to call but me. Sorry to say this but I deem it’s nothing but lust. You know it’s not what you think. I’m definitely not like that. I’m descent, I’m ethical, and a mere diplomat. It’s just that I made a wrong impression on you and up to now it’s all wrong all along. That’s what keeps everything erroneous until now. But you know I can give you all the benefit of the doubt that you’re so special that I can forgive you a thousand times with all the shit that you did to me. I forgive you for making me waiting in vain, for letting you manage to keep your hands off out of me whenever you wanted to and hold me back whenever you feel liking it. I forgive you for always leaving me hanging by a moment, I forgive you even though a lot of times you took me for granted. I forgive you for making me feel that you’re not even bothered if I’m hurt or how I am when I knew for the fact that however you have the idea of what was that that I’ve gone through, that lately I’m hurting and having you acting that you’re so fucking fine doing great with the guys out there which is as if I’m nothing to you after all. Any idea of how much you make feel so damn wasted? You know I’m hurting like hell. Did anyone tell you that you’re so fucking bad? Yes you are. Absolutely! And I hate you for that! But the more I hate myself for not getting mad at you for so long, for forgiving you with those craps that caused me pain because I knew for the fact that however bad you are there’s still something within you that I just can’t let go, knowing the mere fact that no matter how hard I try I just can’t have you or I can’t make you feel the same way that I do. I forgive you for being such a stranger again and again and again. And you know that’s what kills me most. I never told you to go but I never ask you to stay. I mean I really wanted you to stay but I chose not to let you know besides, it will not create any difference on how you feel towards me then right? Yes, of course. See? My heart said yes. So what’s the point between letting you know and not letting you know? I have to accept that maybe it’s not really the right time for you to love me or really not at all. But hey! You know what? There isn’t come a day that I don’t at some point think of you and I think I should have myself not want you otherwise you’re all I think about but I’ll never admit how much I care about you or the fact that I never stopped. I confess that I love to have those daydreaming wherein after being such strangers, with  the least expected moment we will meet again and the two become one and eventually our love will become sweeter the second time around but I’ve grown bored of this everyday same routine. I’m loving you so much and I miss you so bad. I hope I don’t make the same mistake as I did in our previous relationship before the drifting. I hate remorse so please! I’m hoping to see you at the perfect time when I can look into your eyes straightly cause for now I really can’t. When everything for us has to be alright.