Dearest Dr. JASI with love.

“Each patient carries his own doctor inside him.” 

― Norman Cousins, Anatomy Of An Illness

And I said: I was not even actually his patient but  I carried him inside me whole heartedly by the time I left the hospital.

I miss seeing you performing the surgery Dr. JASI </3

PS: by the way this song goes for you. :">

“I guessed that he was one of those ambitious young physicians who more and more fill the profession, opportunists with a fashionable hoodlum image, openly hostile to their patients. My brief stay at the hospital had already convinced me that the medical profession was an open door to anyone nursing a grudge against the human race.” 

― J.G. Ballard, Crash

Untitled...

So here we go again. I over lost myself whenever youre going to bring up that topic. Its not that I dont wanna talk about it, its just that I want to avoid that convesrsation as much as possible because I cant do anything about it for now. But just for now, you know. The truth is it pains me to know that you're hurting, a triple shot. How can I be so proud of you? Of course I am. But Im afriad to be questioned. I would love to came out, hold your hands in the public, kiss you until everyone started staring to us. I wanted us to become the usual Im sorry because you chose me. I'm sorry because I cant give the life you always wanted. I dont...I mean I really dont drink, I dont even know how to smoke, Im shy with your friends, I cant even go out and hang out with you with your friends.Whats the matter with you huh? Why'd you still chose to be in a knot with me? Do you like it? Do you like living in a shoe box with me? Always hiding? Pretending? Whats wrong with you??? You know what?  I would love to let you go, meet someone, like someone, love someone, have a best relationship. But its as if, I'm cursing you while wishing you luck. I'm so selfish.

You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found.

So, I failed again. I failed to keep this relationship for another "this time around". You know its not easy. Its hard for me to be with you today, tomorrow and for the following days but, sometime soon I'll make it up to you and I mean it.  Just let me finish this one. I'm really jealous. I'm jealous of everything, of anything, with anyone who get to see and talk to you everyday. But I guess you didn't care how I live here. I wish you knew everything about me, about every little things which is happening to me. I wish you know how bad it is to be here so far away from you and I cant do a thing to be there with you. I really don't know where were going. I don't know when will I see you again. I don't know whether we will be together forever. I need you you to do something for me, and that is to...

I hate myself for the love i cant show and convinced myself that i will never deserve.

Explaining how I feel about you now is explaining what water tastes like. Sometimes I love you, sometimes I miss you but, most of the time I hate you. I hate you for not being here by my side when I needed you most and the worst part is that I still think of you more than I probably should. I mean my birth day passed, above all you're one of the closest person I would love to greet me and remind me that I should be happy on that day because another year have passed and they have been with me and its another precious year that they will be with me but there was no you. No calls. No texts. Nothing. But I'm still here thinking about you like crazy. But I just think that way "If you really cared about me, you wouldn't have left. Not the first time, not the second time, not ever. And I'm starting to hate you again for always leaving me when it all gets better with you. Why'd you have to be like that? 

I'm still in the world where dreams are still better than reality.

I'm alright now. I had you in my dream saying those things which I'm not expecting you to say actually or is it because those phrases were the ones I'm longing to hear you say?  But hell NO! I didn't even consider you saying such things. Those words were out of the blue so tell me how could it be? Idunnoh I wish it was something real and sincere. Even so, I'm thankful that God heard my undying prayers of having the serenity of seeing you in my dream. And even if its just a dream, it feels so actually good.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

Dated today its been 1 year on December 17, 2011 in the afternoon when we go out for another movie trip that ended up to a sumptuous dinner date and its as if were waiting for something to happen secretly that's why we decided to hang out with the guys and get drunken. Unfortunately we ended up completely sober which gave us way to shatter the silence of the breaking dawn at exactly 3:00 am on December 18, 2011. It was then that we lose control and gave in. Me? Yep, it was my first time. I'm so terrified that moment. I'm screaming on the top of my lungs and yet i'm enjoying what I'm doing and what I have had become. In short it happened I gave up my sacred threshold on him. And I hardly terribly miss the very feeling of you here inside me that forced me to do this on my own. (I'm sorry I just feel the need of letting it out.)

Yes, it started when we first  watched movie together, held hands together, ate together, walked together underneath the rain showers, when we drank together, kiss each other, caressed each other, made love together, slept together and woke up together.

It happened not even once but rather so many times again and again and again. Its not a mistake. I knew it's our choice. We became addicted sharing the same guilty pleasure without going further. But it was not actually my fault that I loved you. I mean it just happened. I don't exactly know how or when or why. I just feel like I'm romantically involved.

Saturday has always been the best day I've ever known and December is the love of a lifetime month for me.Going back to the way we were before it chills me inside and out. The lights on the road, the slept over, the drunken nights all of those things which keeps me go back to December all the time.

I wish I could see you again although I'm so much hopeless. I wish i could share a night with you again and make the most of it. I'm gonna drive you wild and loose your head. Were gonna do it like we never did before. Im gonna make you groan and moan the hardest. I'm gonna make sure you wont forget that I'm the best thing that ever happened to you and so you are to me. Were gonna stay up all night and do it all again and again till we lose the same level of energy like  the only way we could stop is by breathing because were sweating  all the craziness all out until we gently close our eyes and fall asleep with the smile on our faces embracing each other while chasing all our breaths away.

But you know its still confusing when you can’t determine if the signs are for you to give up or just a test to see how long you could hold on.

I turn my back and walk away, away from the pain. Scream it loud, drown it out by the sound of the rain. Listen up, I've had enough all this waiting. I need you more right now than I ever did! Just so you know. I mean I wish you knew.

The Signs Falling/Being in Love

Aries: Appetite Loss - All you think about is him or her. Producing more dopa-mine  you feel little need for food or other basic necessities while floating through each day on a cloud of hope.  

Taurus: Abandon Regular Routines - You may abandon your work or your responsibilities.  Your thoughts and actions become devoted to your love interest. 

Gemini: Fresh Complexion - You feel different and it shows. Others might catch you smiling or blushing for no apparent reasons. 

Cancer: You Think of that Person as Perfect - You project your idea of the perfect one onto them and you overlook their weaknesses or flaws. 

Leo: You Upgrade Your Looks - You care more about how you dress or look. You may start thinking of the small things that you can do to make yourself look better for them. 

Virgo: You Daydream - You begin thinking about the future with this person. Your imagination creates vivid scenarios of romantic getaways, cozy chats, exciting adventures, and feel-good moments. 

Libra: You Build an Addiction - You always want to communicate with them and when they don’t communicate back, you start to worry. You spend most of your time analyzing every word and punctuation mark in each conversation to make sure that they’re interested and committed. 

Scorpio: You feel better about life - You begin to wonder where this person has been all your life, and why the two of you never found each other sooner. All of life’s disappointments, frustrations and losses will not compare anymore. 

Sagittarius: You Get Jealous Easily- You hate it when other people talk to them and you hate it when other people spend time with them. You miss them when they are not around and become irritated. 

Capricorn: You Find Their Quirks Cute, not Annoying - You don’t really mind their bad habits, but in fact find them attractive. 

Aquarius: You Talk About Them - You secretly tell your friends about them and become excited for your friends or family to meet them. 

Pisces: You Support them- You find yourself standing up for them when others are against them. You try to become useful to them and help them where ever possible.