The one that got away...

It has been months, only a few months, but it already feels like it’s been years. I want you to know that I’m fine. I know you are, too. I know you’re busy with such stuff (and I'm trying to care less to whatever is that). I know most of your time is spent catching up with your family and friends. Most of all, I know you have someone new (definitely the reason why I felt what I did.) And, yes, I know that’s totally none of my business.

It was so difficult at first, you know. It was so hard to imagine a future where you’re not in it anymore when just a few months back, we made plans and half-assed promises (or maybe I just assumed too much, too soon, too hard?) that one day and someday we’re going to happen. In your words, I broke more than I ever thought a person could break. The pain was beyond something I imagined, so no matter how much I expected that we were going to end up in ashes and ruins, I still wasn't prepared.
If I’m being honest, the past few months have been a roller-coaster ride for this fragile little heart that’s struggling to continue beating. There were days when I woke up feeling fine and extra cheerful. Yet there were also days when I felt like burying myself in bed and spending the entire day asking God to please just wake me up when everything ends. There are days when my family and friends are enough to cheer me up and remind me that one day, this will all be over. Yet there are also days when I need no one else but you; when all I need is someone to listen to all my stories of a new song or an artist I just heard or to something “hippie” I just read online. There are days when I’m itching to dial your number and call you and go on a storytelling marathon about a new restaurant or movie or book I discovered, but I’m reminded that you won’t be answering to my calls anymore, not even to my messages. I know that when I tell you all about them, you won’t care because what am I to you anyway—I’m just someone who passed through.

Months after, I want you to know it’s still difficult. It’s difficult, but things are now bearable. On most mornings, you’re not the first person I think about anymore. I am slowly listening to these artists I swore I won’t listen to because they a reminder of you and everything that hurt still. I am gradually becoming the happy person I’ve always wanted to be. I’m now used to being alone, but not feeling lonely. I am learning to hold my own hand and walk through things, trusting no one but myself. You could say that I am almost fine. And I am. Almost. But I am scared, too.

I am scared that I’ll soon forget about you and everything we've built together. I am scared that I’ll completely forget about the poems and stories and sweet things (lies?) you used to tell me. I am scared that this pain, this hurt, this crippling heartbreak that you gave me is the last thing holding both of us together or the last thread that connects me to you. I am scared. I am still scared of letting you go, completely.

I am deathly afraid of that day…
…but I can’t go on living like this anymore. I have become so comfortable in my misery that it frightens me already. I don’t want to be miserable. I don’t want to take a step back every single time someone asks me to move forward. I don’t want to be a buzzkill just because things remotely remind me of how everything has been. I don’t want to be the kind of person who refuses to take risks and get hurt and earn ugly scratches because “she got her heart broken so badly before.” I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to go on living like that anymore.

And so, darling, my darling, I am letting you go. I am setting you free. It has been a wonderful and heartbreaking journey with you and without you, and I want you to remember that I will always be grateful for whatever it is you have given me and taught me.
I have to let you go because you have long forgotten us, me. I have to let you go because this, whatever remains of this, has been hurting me for so long and I don’t want to suffer anymore. I’m letting you go because I want to and I need to. I have to let you go because that’s the smart thing to do. And for the first time in a long time, I have to be smart for the sake of myself.

A daughter's first love, definitely its her Dad.

So, my favorite girl in town got married just last year 11/12/13 Congratulations! :)))  and here's a short clip to share with you guys, I saw this when I bumped to @andimanzano page on twitter. I'm so happy for GP and Andi, but then while watching the clip I suddenly got jealous (not because of GP getting married with Andi of course, Helllooo! *_^) BUT because of her father. Her father who could not resists from crying because his little princess is getting married, and then unconsciously I found myself crying, realizing "Whatta bout me? Whatta bout me when I get married? I suddenly missed my dad (terribly). I cried because unlike Andi my father will  no longer get to see me marry and no one will cry like Andi's father did when she saw her little princess walk from the aisle. I wonder what happens if my father live until I got married (until I established and built my own family). Will I ever get to see him crying because his one and only sweet darling is gonna get married? Will he cry when the time comes that he's gonna take and  lend my hand to my groom? Will he ever get jealous because another different man is going to take care of me and live with me to another different house and when the time comes that we won't  get to see each other everyday day like we used too in the morning when I was a little, like when I'm still her little sweet darling? Of course, I knew it. I'm sure, definitely he will cry. I don't know. I just missed every little thing about my dad. I missed my father, so much. I wish he could watch me up above when my wedding day comes. I love you so much Papa. See you there. Until next time. :*

There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it.

Dearest Dr. JASI with love.

“Each patient carries his own doctor inside him.” 

― Norman Cousins, Anatomy Of An Illness

And I said: I was not even actually his patient but  I carried him inside me whole heartedly by the time I left the hospital.

I miss seeing you performing the surgery Dr. JASI </3

PS: by the way this song goes for you. :">

“I guessed that he was one of those ambitious young physicians who more and more fill the profession, opportunists with a fashionable hoodlum image, openly hostile to their patients. My brief stay at the hospital had already convinced me that the medical profession was an open door to anyone nursing a grudge against the human race.” 

― J.G. Ballard, Crash

Untitled...

So here we go again. I over lost myself whenever youre going to bring up that topic. Its not that I dont wanna talk about it, its just that I want to avoid that convesrsation as much as possible because I cant do anything about it for now. But just for now, you know. The truth is it pains me to know that you're hurting, a triple shot. How can I be so proud of you? Of course I am. But Im afriad to be questioned. I would love to came out, hold your hands in the public, kiss you until everyone started staring to us. I wanted us to become the usual Im sorry because you chose me. I'm sorry because I cant give the life you always wanted. I dont...I mean I really dont drink, I dont even know how to smoke, Im shy with your friends, I cant even go out and hang out with you with your friends.Whats the matter with you huh? Why'd you still chose to be in a knot with me? Do you like it? Do you like living in a shoe box with me? Always hiding? Pretending? Whats wrong with you??? You know what?  I would love to let you go, meet someone, like someone, love someone, have a best relationship. But its as if, I'm cursing you while wishing you luck. I'm so selfish.

You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found.

So, I failed again. I failed to keep this relationship for another "this time around". You know its not easy. Its hard for me to be with you today, tomorrow and for the following days but, sometime soon I'll make it up to you and I mean it.  Just let me finish this one. I'm really jealous. I'm jealous of everything, of anything, with anyone who get to see and talk to you everyday. But I guess you didn't care how I live here. I wish you knew everything about me, about every little things which is happening to me. I wish you know how bad it is to be here so far away from you and I cant do a thing to be there with you. I really don't know where were going. I don't know when will I see you again. I don't know whether we will be together forever. I need you you to do something for me, and that is to...

I hate myself for the love i cant show and convinced myself that i will never deserve.

Explaining how I feel about you now is explaining what water tastes like. Sometimes I love you, sometimes I miss you but, most of the time I hate you. I hate you for not being here by my side when I needed you most and the worst part is that I still think of you more than I probably should. I mean my birth day passed, above all you're one of the closest person I would love to greet me and remind me that I should be happy on that day because another year have passed and they have been with me and its another precious year that they will be with me but there was no you. No calls. No texts. Nothing. But I'm still here thinking about you like crazy. But I just think that way "If you really cared about me, you wouldn't have left. Not the first time, not the second time, not ever. And I'm starting to hate you again for always leaving me when it all gets better with you. Why'd you have to be like that? 

I'm still in the world where dreams are still better than reality.

I'm alright now. I had you in my dream saying those things which I'm not expecting you to say actually or is it because those phrases were the ones I'm longing to hear you say?  But hell NO! I didn't even consider you saying such things. Those words were out of the blue so tell me how could it be? Idunnoh I wish it was something real and sincere. Even so, I'm thankful that God heard my undying prayers of having the serenity of seeing you in my dream. And even if its just a dream, it feels so actually good.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

Dated today its been 1 year on December 17, 2011 in the afternoon when we go out for another movie trip that ended up to a sumptuous dinner date and its as if were waiting for something to happen secretly that's why we decided to hang out with the guys and get drunken. Unfortunately we ended up completely sober which gave us way to shatter the silence of the breaking dawn at exactly 3:00 am on December 18, 2011. It was then that we lose control and gave in. Me? Yep, it was my first time. I'm so terrified that moment. I'm screaming on the top of my lungs and yet i'm enjoying what I'm doing and what I have had become. In short it happened I gave up my sacred threshold on him. And I hardly terribly miss the very feeling of you here inside me that forced me to do this on my own. (I'm sorry I just feel the need of letting it out.)

Yes, it started when we first  watched movie together, held hands together, ate together, walked together underneath the rain showers, when we drank together, kiss each other, caressed each other, made love together, slept together and woke up together.

It happened not even once but rather so many times again and again and again. Its not a mistake. I knew it's our choice. We became addicted sharing the same guilty pleasure without going further. But it was not actually my fault that I loved you. I mean it just happened. I don't exactly know how or when or why. I just feel like I'm romantically involved.

Saturday has always been the best day I've ever known and December is the love of a lifetime month for me.Going back to the way we were before it chills me inside and out. The lights on the road, the slept over, the drunken nights all of those things which keeps me go back to December all the time.

I wish I could see you again although I'm so much hopeless. I wish i could share a night with you again and make the most of it. I'm gonna drive you wild and loose your head. Were gonna do it like we never did before. Im gonna make you groan and moan the hardest. I'm gonna make sure you wont forget that I'm the best thing that ever happened to you and so you are to me. Were gonna stay up all night and do it all again and again till we lose the same level of energy like  the only way we could stop is by breathing because were sweating  all the craziness all out until we gently close our eyes and fall asleep with the smile on our faces embracing each other while chasing all our breaths away.

But you know its still confusing when you can’t determine if the signs are for you to give up or just a test to see how long you could hold on.

I turn my back and walk away, away from the pain. Scream it loud, drown it out by the sound of the rain. Listen up, I've had enough all this waiting. I need you more right now than I ever did! Just so you know. I mean I wish you knew.

The Signs Falling/Being in Love

Aries: Appetite Loss - All you think about is him or her. Producing more dopa-mine  you feel little need for food or other basic necessities while floating through each day on a cloud of hope.  

Taurus: Abandon Regular Routines - You may abandon your work or your responsibilities.  Your thoughts and actions become devoted to your love interest. 

Gemini: Fresh Complexion - You feel different and it shows. Others might catch you smiling or blushing for no apparent reasons. 

Cancer: You Think of that Person as Perfect - You project your idea of the perfect one onto them and you overlook their weaknesses or flaws. 

Leo: You Upgrade Your Looks - You care more about how you dress or look. You may start thinking of the small things that you can do to make yourself look better for them. 

Virgo: You Daydream - You begin thinking about the future with this person. Your imagination creates vivid scenarios of romantic getaways, cozy chats, exciting adventures, and feel-good moments. 

Libra: You Build an Addiction - You always want to communicate with them and when they don’t communicate back, you start to worry. You spend most of your time analyzing every word and punctuation mark in each conversation to make sure that they’re interested and committed. 

Scorpio: You feel better about life - You begin to wonder where this person has been all your life, and why the two of you never found each other sooner. All of life’s disappointments, frustrations and losses will not compare anymore. 

Sagittarius: You Get Jealous Easily- You hate it when other people talk to them and you hate it when other people spend time with them. You miss them when they are not around and become irritated. 

Capricorn: You Find Their Quirks Cute, not Annoying - You don’t really mind their bad habits, but in fact find them attractive. 

Aquarius: You Talk About Them - You secretly tell your friends about them and become excited for your friends or family to meet them. 

Pisces: You Support them- You find yourself standing up for them when others are against them. You try to become useful to them and help them where ever possible. 

Its 5 o'clock in the morning and I want ya. And you want me. Don't ya?

I've seen you at your worst, and I still think you're the best.

Don't play with a persons feelings just cause you're unsure of yours. So, I guess you're having a good time again back to your partner's life. I'm not mad. I'm just hopeless. You wanna know what I'm feeling right now? It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert. But I'm sure one day you'll see me smiling, and that's when you'll know that you fucked up.

The moment you find yourself involved into something (Ha Jae-Bum)

First I would like to commend the writer "Seo Hyun Joo" for coming up with this one of a kind master piece that really harrowed my tormented heart and the whole production of this Korean romantic drama. THUMBS UP! How i wish I could come up writing like this as one of my real aspiration in life. So this random pictures were my favorite scene ever that I repeatedly watched all over until I cried a river. You will only know when the movie was so good when you cant wait to see the ending but the moment it ended you somehow refuse to wish it was and you just cant get enough of the random thoughts that drove you crazy. The story is a real thumbs up that I recommend people to watch.

Sometimes in my most conscious state of mind I dream of my own wedding like every woman in the world does. I keep on wondering a lot of questions like... Who would be there waiting for me in front the altar? What is he like? What's his name? Does he love me the way I do? Do we love each other? If guided by misfortune I wish someone could save me like Ha Jae-Bum did. He is the one. His cute unpredictable gestures that means a lot of care whenever his mad, his gentleness and patience that makes a man a real man. He is my perfect ideal I cant even resist to quiver whenever i see him in his worst act and i wouldn't want him in such any other ways. If it wasn't for him i would never wanted to be one of the runaway bride. Its been an hour but i miss Ha Jae-bum so much. It feels like we've been connected in such ways. I wish and pray to see him in my dreams. Good night my Ha Jae-Bum! :*

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.

So i want you to listen to this song before you read the entire letter. This is how I really feel for you.

I’m not staying anymore I know you’re not gonna change. I've done enough for too much only to make up with this relationship BUT I've grown completely tired. I TRIED and I’m TIRED. Tired of understanding that you’re always right and I’m always wrong, tired of always giving in without taking back, tired of making myself believe that there’s only me and you in this world. I’m tired of this random thoughts of I love you and, I miss you so, please believe me. I’m fed up of always letting you win over an argument as well as taking your side. They said you don’t have to change yourself in order for you to be loved by someone, you sure heard of this one right? But the problem is I've always wanted you to change because I don’t know you anymore it’s not you who I used to love and dream of my future. I used to know you so well, but where are you now? Why’d you have to be so strange and cruel?  I’m sick of this one sided love. It doesn't matter who truly do the loving here what matters most now and forever is… who do the trusting, that were both lacking off. You can’t love if you can’t trust and in reverse if you can’t trust might as well you can’t love. I realized that I also have to love myself, leave some for myself, and follow what I deserve. If I haven’t met him maybe I can stay with you. Although it hurts to say these entire thing. Don’t blame me or him either I didn't have any premonition that things are going to happened unpredictably as it is. We didn't choose nor planned to become attached. Don’t be mad to those people who wanted to see both of us together again because they knew better than you do, in times of pain and weakness that I've been through because of you they were the one who’s always been taking my side while you’re ripping me apart pieces by pieces. I just don’t get it why when I once got things better without you that’s when you suddenly want me back. And its sucks to be you because at the same time that’s when fate placed him on my way to healing. He put back the smile you tore apart, make my heart pound again which you killed and stopped from beating, give me rainbows and butterflies which you took instead and gave to others, you stole my happiness while he gave me most of his  love and affection. You dump me and he just lend me a back to lean on. It’s like he was there when I needed you most but you’re in the arms of somebody. So, tell me whose fault it is? Is he or am I to blame? Please understand everything. I want to win him back. Even if I’m always saying that all he did was took me for granted, and make me feel like I’m just another one of his object.  I knew now why’d he have to be like that. He didn't ruin me, you screwed us. And in case you didn't know I’d always want to let you know that you’re the one I chose over and if there’s only one person that I’d always want to come back it’s gotta be you. Just this time you have to let me go. Because I don’t want you to hate me or else you’ll end up cursing me to death. So, please let go of me.

I'm almost on my way to believing again that love does exist. BUT f*ck HE got lost on my sight without even knowing his name... :\

Once in a while in the midst of an ordinary everyday life, love gives us fairy tale. Just like what happened today when I went out running around of to my brother's school which I have to fall in line and right there there's this man I'm right next to him and *voila* suddenly its magic!:"> 

Why'd you have to be so cute? It's impossible to ignore you when I sneak around and caught you staring at me.I have felt it and lived it and now it leaves me here.

 I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don't know if it's possible forever and ever. But now knowing that there was you out there, I really hope this time I will definitely do.

I like your small gestures that speak volumes about how much you care and it feels like I'm floating on air that I cant giggle because I'm totally out of my mind to interrupt you with the cutest stuff that you've been doing. :)))

And just in case you didn't know its not that just because I don't start the conversation, doesn't mean I'm not dying to speak to you. I don't care if we talked about absolutely nothing, I'm just glad knowing that you once spoke to me. 

I cant love myself so much so I need you to love me because the small things you showed me took the most room in my heart. Only this time I'm gonna let myself see normal things in an extraordinary way with no breaks, slowing down, and holding back.

If only I can tell you by now how I was enchanted to meet you and feel you like sitting right next beside you, and stole a glimpse of you, without knowing what my future holds but i really hope you're in it.

Now, I'm starting to organize my thoughts memorizing your face, your figure, your smile, your voice, your walk, your whole being. I know its crazy I'm sorry I just cant help it.

...and after all i'm hoping for the chance to bump into you again. <3

...maybe it's only fitting that relationship that started with a lie would end with one.

Honestly I do not what to think. The man that I used to love locked inside my heart was not a dream come true anymore. I thought we only part to meet again but it seems like there is no reunion that will happen again.Okay lets break it down to a conclusion that he has a family. Before I met him he was already a father. I knew once that he was a father of a twins but to see what i saw last night, a father of four children? Oh crap! What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to feel either. Although I'm not so sure about the number of children he have but I'm sure about the twins. This ideas driving me real crazy. I don't even know if he's married, separated, or just living in with the mother of the child or what. Now its becoming even more impossible for me to have him. He have lots of obligation of being a father and a partner as well , and I don't want to interfere. C'mon what should I do? Should I let go now? But I've been holding on for so long. I keep him locked inside my chest and it's him that makes me breathe all this time. But WHY? How many revelations should i need for me to let him go? WHAT NOW? :|

To leave after all, is not the same as being left.

I hate the fact that you ignore me for so long then you start talking to me like nothing happened. I’m sick of playing the game of us being friends, to more than friends, up to intimate lovers but always ending up being strangers but then, there you are again. You came across entering my inbox last night which makes me ponder all the time I read it, you know one text from you is enough but, to make it two for today saying “Hellow..” it’s not good at all. It’s not like playing around with my naive heart when I haven’t forgotten a wink of you. Not even once. I don't know what you're up to. Yesterday was Friday and today is Saturday, the day we used to stay up all night hanging out together. It sucks how you bring back my old strange hidden feelings which I’m trying to ignore for so long and with just unexpected beep from you, you made me live again. I don’t want to assume okay? I don’t care if you miss me or just want to mess around or something. Maybe yes, maybe not.  Or perhaps you just need someone to accompany you with such time like this. Is this what are you trying to pin out?  If I guessed it right, I’m telling you I don’t wanna get involved then. You should know by now that I’m not the type to talk to when you’re bored because I’m not here to entertain anymore and don’t come to me only when you need a favor because I don’t like being used. You should bear it to your mind that I’m not just a bus stop I’m a destination. And if you’re not planning to take me seriously you’d better stay out of my life and never come back. I can't stand this kind of set up. I’d get so hopeful one day, then feel so much despair the next. Then the following morning I’d tell myself that you love me. I don’t know what to do. I miss you and I’m still loving you but I don’t believe you when you say you miss me too and love me either. I wanna see you, talk to you and share tonight with you.  What do I do? My heart is already scarred beyond repair. 

But loving him was RED. Loving him was RED.

*DISCLAIMER:
I DO NOT OWN THE RIGHTS TO THIS SONG. ALL RIGHTS ARE RESERVED TO TAYLOR SWIFT / BIG MACHINE RECORDS / UMG. NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT IS INTENDED.

*So I did this because the lyrics itself speaks for me. I sought those photographs from all over the internet 'cause honestly I ant help but to totally relate my very own love story with this song. (I'm referring to you *you know who you are I hope so* so wherever you are, whatever you do this song goes out for you.) 
The song was really good and Taylor Swift what to expect?
She's A-W-E-S-O-M-E as usual! :">

So here it is lets give it up. (Hands clapping) :"3

RED by: Taylor Swift

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street

Faster than the wind

Passionate as sin, ended so suddenly.

Loving him is like trying to change your mind
Once you’re already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn
So bright just before they lose it all.

Losing him was blue like I’d never known

Missing him was dark grey all alone

Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met

But loving him was red

Loving him was red.

Touching him is like realizing all you ever wanted 

was right there in front of you.

Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words 

to your old favorite song.

Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword 

and realizing there’s no right answer.

Regretting him was like wishing you never found out 

love could be that strong.

Losing him was blue like I’d never known

Missing him was dark grey all alone

Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met

But loving him was red

Oh red burning red.

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes

Tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go

But moving on from him is impossible

When I still see it all in my head.

And that's why he's spinning round in my head

Comes back to me burning red.

Cause love was like driving a new 
Maserati down a dead end street.

 Hope you like it. Thank You! :)