The one that got away...

It has been months, only a few months, but it already feels like it’s been years. I want you to know that I’m fine. I know you are, too. I know you’re busy with such stuff (and I'm trying to care less to whatever is that). I know most of your time is spent catching up with your family and friends. Most of all, I know you have someone new (definitely the reason why I felt what I did.) And, yes, I know that’s totally none of my business.

It was so difficult at first, you know. It was so hard to imagine a future where you’re not in it anymore when just a few months back, we made plans and half-assed promises (or maybe I just assumed too much, too soon, too hard?) that one day and someday we’re going to happen. In your words, I broke more than I ever thought a person could break. The pain was beyond something I imagined, so no matter how much I expected that we were going to end up in ashes and ruins, I still wasn't prepared.
If I’m being honest, the past few months have been a roller-coaster ride for this fragile little heart that’s struggling to continue beating. There were days when I woke up feeling fine and extra cheerful. Yet there were also days when I felt like burying myself in bed and spending the entire day asking God to please just wake me up when everything ends. There are days when my family and friends are enough to cheer me up and remind me that one day, this will all be over. Yet there are also days when I need no one else but you; when all I need is someone to listen to all my stories of a new song or an artist I just heard or to something “hippie” I just read online. There are days when I’m itching to dial your number and call you and go on a storytelling marathon about a new restaurant or movie or book I discovered, but I’m reminded that you won’t be answering to my calls anymore, not even to my messages. I know that when I tell you all about them, you won’t care because what am I to you anyway—I’m just someone who passed through.

Months after, I want you to know it’s still difficult. It’s difficult, but things are now bearable. On most mornings, you’re not the first person I think about anymore. I am slowly listening to these artists I swore I won’t listen to because they a reminder of you and everything that hurt still. I am gradually becoming the happy person I’ve always wanted to be. I’m now used to being alone, but not feeling lonely. I am learning to hold my own hand and walk through things, trusting no one but myself. You could say that I am almost fine. And I am. Almost. But I am scared, too.

I am scared that I’ll soon forget about you and everything we've built together. I am scared that I’ll completely forget about the poems and stories and sweet things (lies?) you used to tell me. I am scared that this pain, this hurt, this crippling heartbreak that you gave me is the last thing holding both of us together or the last thread that connects me to you. I am scared. I am still scared of letting you go, completely.

I am deathly afraid of that day…
…but I can’t go on living like this anymore. I have become so comfortable in my misery that it frightens me already. I don’t want to be miserable. I don’t want to take a step back every single time someone asks me to move forward. I don’t want to be a buzzkill just because things remotely remind me of how everything has been. I don’t want to be the kind of person who refuses to take risks and get hurt and earn ugly scratches because “she got her heart broken so badly before.” I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to go on living like that anymore.

And so, darling, my darling, I am letting you go. I am setting you free. It has been a wonderful and heartbreaking journey with you and without you, and I want you to remember that I will always be grateful for whatever it is you have given me and taught me.
I have to let you go because you have long forgotten us, me. I have to let you go because this, whatever remains of this, has been hurting me for so long and I don’t want to suffer anymore. I’m letting you go because I want to and I need to. I have to let you go because that’s the smart thing to do. And for the first time in a long time, I have to be smart for the sake of myself.

A daughter's first love, definitely its her Dad.

So, my favorite girl in town got married just last year 11/12/13 Congratulations! :)))  and here's a short clip to share with you guys, I saw this when I bumped to @andimanzano page on twitter. I'm so happy for GP and Andi, but then while watching the clip I suddenly got jealous (not because of GP getting married with Andi of course, Helllooo! *_^) BUT because of her father. Her father who could not resists from crying because his little princess is getting married, and then unconsciously I found myself crying, realizing "Whatta bout me? Whatta bout me when I get married? I suddenly missed my dad (terribly). I cried because unlike Andi my father will  no longer get to see me marry and no one will cry like Andi's father did when she saw her little princess walk from the aisle. I wonder what happens if my father live until I got married (until I established and built my own family). Will I ever get to see him crying because his one and only sweet darling is gonna get married? Will he cry when the time comes that he's gonna take and  lend my hand to my groom? Will he ever get jealous because another different man is going to take care of me and live with me to another different house and when the time comes that we won't  get to see each other everyday day like we used too in the morning when I was a little, like when I'm still her little sweet darling? Of course, I knew it. I'm sure, definitely he will cry. I don't know. I just missed every little thing about my dad. I missed my father, so much. I wish he could watch me up above when my wedding day comes. I love you so much Papa. See you there. Until next time. :*

There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it.

Dearest Dr. JASI with love.

“Each patient carries his own doctor inside him.” 

― Norman Cousins, Anatomy Of An Illness

And I said: I was not even actually his patient but  I carried him inside me whole heartedly by the time I left the hospital.

I miss seeing you performing the surgery Dr. JASI </3

PS: by the way this song goes for you. :">

“I guessed that he was one of those ambitious young physicians who more and more fill the profession, opportunists with a fashionable hoodlum image, openly hostile to their patients. My brief stay at the hospital had already convinced me that the medical profession was an open door to anyone nursing a grudge against the human race.” 

― J.G. Ballard, Crash

Untitled...

So here we go again. I over lost myself whenever youre going to bring up that topic. Its not that I dont wanna talk about it, its just that I want to avoid that convesrsation as much as possible because I cant do anything about it for now. But just for now, you know. The truth is it pains me to know that you're hurting, a triple shot. How can I be so proud of you? Of course I am. But Im afriad to be questioned. I would love to came out, hold your hands in the public, kiss you until everyone started staring to us. I wanted us to become the usual Im sorry because you chose me. I'm sorry because I cant give the life you always wanted. I dont...I mean I really dont drink, I dont even know how to smoke, Im shy with your friends, I cant even go out and hang out with you with your friends.Whats the matter with you huh? Why'd you still chose to be in a knot with me? Do you like it? Do you like living in a shoe box with me? Always hiding? Pretending? Whats wrong with you??? You know what?  I would love to let you go, meet someone, like someone, love someone, have a best relationship. But its as if, I'm cursing you while wishing you luck. I'm so selfish.

You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found.

So, I failed again. I failed to keep this relationship for another "this time around". You know its not easy. Its hard for me to be with you today, tomorrow and for the following days but, sometime soon I'll make it up to you and I mean it.  Just let me finish this one. I'm really jealous. I'm jealous of everything, of anything, with anyone who get to see and talk to you everyday. But I guess you didn't care how I live here. I wish you knew everything about me, about every little things which is happening to me. I wish you know how bad it is to be here so far away from you and I cant do a thing to be there with you. I really don't know where were going. I don't know when will I see you again. I don't know whether we will be together forever. I need you you to do something for me, and that is to...

I hate myself for the love i cant show and convinced myself that i will never deserve.

Explaining how I feel about you now is explaining what water tastes like. Sometimes I love you, sometimes I miss you but, most of the time I hate you. I hate you for not being here by my side when I needed you most and the worst part is that I still think of you more than I probably should. I mean my birth day passed, above all you're one of the closest person I would love to greet me and remind me that I should be happy on that day because another year have passed and they have been with me and its another precious year that they will be with me but there was no you. No calls. No texts. Nothing. But I'm still here thinking about you like crazy. But I just think that way "If you really cared about me, you wouldn't have left. Not the first time, not the second time, not ever. And I'm starting to hate you again for always leaving me when it all gets better with you. Why'd you have to be like that?